I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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