Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
