you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
