I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
