My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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