so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
