just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
