Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
