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My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
