I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
