I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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