I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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