Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
