The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
