Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
