What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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