She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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