I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
