Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
