I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
