My pussy is not your playground.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
