FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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