My pussy is not your playground.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
