I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
