remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
