I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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