i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
