Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
