He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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