wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
