Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
