New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just cropdusted the office
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need to align my fucking chakras
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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