im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
