she kept yelling 'call me bella'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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