You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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