This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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