she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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