Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
