We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
