Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
