pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
