____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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