It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
