What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
