you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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