you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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