I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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