I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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