Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
