On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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