My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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