I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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