you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
