My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Randomize
